VFM Grande Tenerife Social 2

 

Do you want to do Tenerife again I’m asked one cold winter night? Do I ever! Last years do was such a mad one I was determined to out do last year & from what little I remember I must have achieved my aim. The thing to remember this is not a scooter rally, just a social weekend for scooterists. Although top custom Vespa has to go to the yellow PX125’s the postmen ride over there complete with huge yellow back box.
If I could speak the lingo & get my head round driving on the wrong side of the road I’d apply for a job there.

The flight out arrived 35 minutes early, giving us plenty of time to have a shit shower & shave & get out to the first night’s entertainment at Edwards Bar. Things were just starting to warm up when we got there & we joined Dave, Fiona, GroundskeeperBobby, Oakey ,Neil, Del & his other half (sorry I’m crap with names) & Paul and his other half (sorry see earlier in this line) for a liver training session of Beer, Peach Schnapps & Tequila. Not a cocktail that comes recommended the morning after I can tell you! Tonight was supposed to be a relaxed start to the holiday before the official VFM do’s of Friday, Saturday, Sunday but as we were all in an up for it mood we partied hard to the sounds Dave Porter & the other DJ’s were playing. 3AM came round far too quickly & I was beginning to think I had set my watch wrong. Finding walking & talking difficult by now we grabbed a taxi back to the hotel with the promise of meeting up with the gang for a cocktail party at 12.00.

12.00 Friday we all met in the Wigan Pier (a.k.a. The Queer), holding heads & groaning about last night’s excesses. Never mind, I didn’t realize it but this afternoon’s cocktail party was to be nothing on last night & was the best part of the whole weekend! There really is no way to put the afternoon into words that give you any idea of how funny it was, but here goes. We quickly grabbed some uninspiring food & then headed to the Sea front for the start of the afternoon party. The problem with most big holiday destinations is that they have P.R’s outside every Bar & Restaurant trying to get you in. By the end of the week you really do have to resist the urge to tell them to F**K off & smack them one. Any who, we get coerced into a place that does cocktails & try & find the ones with the most booze in. I wimped out on the first round as I was dieing from last night, but enjoyed trying everyone else’s, just checking they weren’t poisoned you realise. Prize for the worst one goes to Bobby & Del who managed to find one that tasted of hairspray!
 It was whilst trying everyone else’s cocktails that we discovered enemy number 2, the Lookie Lookie man. Lookie Lookie man is easily recognized. African, holding loads of sunglasses & watches & will approach you even if you say no. Lookie Lookie lady, nice price etc etc. After several visits from these parasites it was time to turn the tables with Dave collecting all our watches & sunglasses & trying the same on our tinted visitor. Needless to say the bloke must have had a sense of humor bypass & didn’t bother us again. The other thing to do if approached is hold onto your wallet, look at your watch & tell them the time.

All change! We pay the extortionate bill & move on to another couple of places for more of the same. More cocktails & beers consumed time was flying & I didn’t think I’d laughed so much until we walked past one of the sea front shops that were selling what looked to be the same type of dress/smock type thing the Lookie Lookie men were wearing. I pointed them out & next thing I know all the lads except me were wearing them! Singing “ Down to Margate” & other holiday songs as we staggered down the sea front. We were starting to attract quite a lot of attention from people walking past. Some killing themselves laughing, others just looking in wonder or trying not to look. We never did find the Mankini Del was after though. Food was calling so we staggered further up the seafront to Hooters. We were getting loud & lairy by now & our first waitress ran off in fear. Never mind, we end up with a much better looking one who was prepared to have a laugh with us too, or was that at us? All I can say for hooters is nice scenery crap food. But as they did Fullers London Pride I guess they earn a few points.

Friday evening we arrange to meet Del at the pool side bar at 20.30 & head off to the do. 21.00 comes & goes so we decide to go. When we find Del it turns out he’d put his watch an hour forward & had been cursing us for not being on time!
We headed for Pleasure Island the weekends venue for the evening do’s & exchanged our tickets for wrist bands & our free goodie bag & then went & found the rest of the gang who were still wearing the Lookie Lookie outfit from earlier for another nights partying. When you’re with a good crowd the most uninspiring night turns in to the best night. I don’t think any of us even noticed what was going on in the room where the do was for most of the night, preferring to sit outside & chat. It might have been brilliant, I just didn’t get that far, sorry.

Saturday we chilled. Amen.
Saturday night it was back to Pleasure Island for more of the same. Tonight’s theme was to be a tribute to Bobs Reggae Bar, which was closed. The owner found out we were all over & was kicking himself on missing out on the busiest weekend of the year!
The Music picked up a bit tonight with a few Ska & Reggae tunes to be had as well as some Psychobilly. Whilst in the pit I manned to smack Bobby one on the nose by accident. Soz mate! Funniest part of the night was watching the Macc Kroozers doing Big Fish, Little Fish, Cardboard Box to the Jam! My sentiments exactly!
During the evening I also found out I am now a famous published author! My review of the Treakle 3rd anniversary do having been published in The Shed! I had no idea.
More beers & shots & time for bed, being in no fit state to carry on with the others at Jumping Jacks.

Sunday we decided to meet up for dinner at the Queer, but we waited & waited for Dave & Fiona but they didn’t turn up! Oh well we’ll catch them later. Sunday evening was a bit of a strange one. I don’t know if everyone had partied themselves out or what it was but there was a complete lack of atmosphere. Still, we had a good night. Fiona produced a bottle of what became known as Emily. Emily turned out to be a flask with said name on that contained a lethal brew. 80% volume Absinthe!  This certainly wasn’t a ladies drink for ladies. Blue as Anhydrous Copper Sulphate & the throat burning power of nitric acid. We passed it round telling everyone it was WKD blue. Does this taste funny to you? Then watch the expression as it did its magic. Brilliant! It would have been a top night had it not been for the last 10 minutes. Someone had spike Kim’s drink with something & to see someone in a state of lethargy & panic with their heart going through their chest at the same time is not good. Thankfully she recovered after sleeping for most of the next day. Sadly this wasn’t an isolated incident & there have been rumors of others having drinks spiked that weekend. Anyone know anything?

Monday we tried re creating the madness of Friday’s cocktail party. Somehow it nearly didn’t happen till the last hour. We had a few beers then went for a wonder round town looking for more drinks. In between time Dave dragged us round the sex shops in the area. I have to admit to having a sheltered upbringing & had never ventured into one before. The worrying thing was I thought the stuff on sale seemed a bit tame! A gap in my education plugged. I dread to think of the gaps some of the things we saw were used to plug! Minds perverted we headed for food & drink at the American Dreams Diner. It really was service with a grunt. Smiles must have been on back order. The Singapore Slime comes recommended. Lashings of Gin but with non of the taste!
Fed & watered, we headed of for a much needed siesta.

Monday night it was back to Edwards Bar to party one last time. Most of us had gone back in the afternoon & had a rest, but fair play to Groundskeeper Bobby for carrying on drinking. He was totally pissed when we got there making for plenty of entertainment for the rest of the evening. Music tonight was supplied by Dave Porter, Pitchie & few others, so there was a bit more variety than just Northern & Indie (anyone else getting board of loads of Northern ??). No sign of Emily tonight so Neil gets a round of shots in. Urgh! Peach Schnapps. Not good when you’ve been on the beer all day. The planned early night didn’t materialize & at 02.00 we said our good byes & with great sadness headed back to bed.

In summary, the best 5 days ever. A huge thank you to Dave, Fiona, Groundskeeper Boby, Neil, Oakey, Paul, Del & everyone else we met for making the weekend what it was. I cant think of a better bunch to have spent the Grande Tenerife Social with. Hello to the Nottingham Gate Crashers, yes I remembered you this time :-)

Story of the weekend has to be the lad from the Mansfield Monsters who met Mr Shakey Hand. Mr Shakey Hand steals his wallet so our friend from Mansfield head butts him, gives him a good kicking & gets his wallet back! If only more people stood up to crime like this.

How many sleeps till Yarmuff

Nige